Monday, June 2, 2008

DWS: Driving While Stupid



Yes, I have every intention of offending you with the title of this blog. And no, this blog is not about DSW Warehouse, but rather DWS: Driving While Stupid. Just wanted to clear up any confusion before I dive in. I'm not interested in talking about shoes. I am completely focused on using this post to point out how very dangerous your actions were while driving. How very dangerous and ridiculous. If you want to talk shoes, we can do that another time.

Ok, I completely understand the morning rush. I can empathize with a busy morning full of tasks . . . getting breakfast on the table, kids dressed, backpacks ready, lunches made, maybe a quick workout and a shower (Ha! Now I'm just trying to funny and this is supposed to be a rant). I get that not every woman has the opportunity to get her "face on" in the comfort of her own bathroom without the frequent interruptions by children needing their hair brushed or the dog needing to be let out. This is why we pay big bucks for those long afternoons at a spa for a massage, mani/pedi, and a wax. Or, we hope that a gift card will magically float our way for such a day of luxury.

So, knowing that I understand the frenzy that comes with the morning sunrise, I can forgive the occasional lipstick application in the rear view mirror on one's car. I can even let the nose pickers be. Sure, sure, it was a scratch. Ok. You keep telling yourself that. And while the waving of a mascara wand while in the driver seat makes me shiver for fear of poking one's eye out, I'll step off the soapbox. As long as the mascara application occurs while the vehicle is STOPPED.

HOWEVER, do you seriously think that using an EYELASH CURLER, while your car is IN MOTION, is evidence of one using their brain while operating a moving vehicle? And do you think that by opening and closing this tiny device on your lashes while driving you are really communicating to fellow drivers that you are paying attention to the important task at hand (which, surprise, is not your lashes), and are down with the rules of the road? Yeah, yeah, throw in the argument that I talk on my cell phone while driving. I'll let you get a word in on this one.

I do NOT, however, take the cell phone and attempt to close it ever so carefully on my eyelashes a few times over in order to create the perfect curl while MY CAR IS MOVING! The eyelash curler stays home. Period. What in the world were you thinking? I admit, upon glancing back to witness your cosmetic infraction, I immediately worried about the safety of my children, and myself, and of the other non eyelash curler user's on the road . . . oh, and you.

Honestly, my first reaction to you was to yell, "Idiot!" as 1) you were using this contraption while driving, and 2) you weren't even using it correctly! I wanted to yell, "You'll poke your eye out kid!" and "You can't just press the curler onto your lash one time, you won't get the perfect scoop, but rather a bend or right angle in the lash. You need to do a series of small presses up the length of the lash! SHEESH!"

And once this initial reaction subsided I felt concern for your safety.

The car has become the powder room, the phone booth, the media room, and the office has it not?

But, I'm telling you, if I even see you plugging a heated eyelash curler into your cigarette lighter, it's going to take every ounce of me not to say, "I told you so!", when you singe those lashes right off your lids.

But, false eyelashes aren't that bad. They make really natural looking ones. So you'll be covered.

Unless, of course, you also try to apply those while driving, 'cause I wouldn't put it past you.

Beauty is a &^%$(! Isn't it?

1 comment:

Liz said...

So I should put away my pink and gold trimmed PRADA cosmetic case with dual-lit mirrors when I'm driving? Just checking. When am I EVER going to put on my movie star face???????