Thank you for this day, Lord.
Salvation, Hope, Light, and Freedom are offered to all through the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ.
So, what does the microphone photo have to do with Easter?
I have taken these last two months off from singing with our worship band at church. Second to writing, singing is my mode of communication with God, and yet, since the house going up for sale, I've not been able to muster up the ability to do so. Sundays have been hectic, what with having to leave the house clean and spotless for showings and Open Houses, plus getting the kids ready, as well as myself in order to get out the door early to rehearse. And for as much as I adore singing, God was gently tapping my shoulder to take a breather during this season where I've felt like I've been wearing a whalebone corset. Short of breath, dizzy, tight, and tense.
As the band began today I was absolutely elated to see that the newest female vocalist was stepping up to the mike to fill the gap. I smiled. And then, the woman next to me whispered, "Oh! That is your song."
No. It isn't.
I realize that she was merely being kind - communicating that she would miss us when we moved. I knew her inner monologue. Still, it was never my song, but rather a song that God gave me the grace to sing.
I never set out to take this hiatus and always thought I would just continue singing until we moved, but the break has proven to be good for me. It has forced me to commune with God differently. Even though the communion as of late has mainly consisted of a weakly squeaked prayer containing one word: Help.
It's a good prayer. Solid. Packed with sincerity and not too wordy.
I've not been able to get through worship without crying every week, and no doubt the Lord knew this when He prompted me to lay down the mike. I've needed this time. To sit with George. To minister to Harper. To have the freedom to fall apart in the pew rather than doing so during a song I'm trying to lead.
Today, I was especially moved by the Easter message. It confirmed for me what I've been experiencing over these last two months. For the first time ever, I really identified with Mary, who stricken with grief upon finding the tomb empty, couldn't be moved from this state by either John's belief that Jesus had risen, or the two angels inside the tomb who spoke directly to her heart's concern.
I too have not been able to rise out of the despair I have been feeling despite the incredible wishes and encouraging words from friends and family that God will do a great thing and sell my house. I have heard their words, just as Mary heard from John and the angels, but the words haven't sunk in deeply enough to soften, relax, or remove the weariness and grief I have been feeling.
For, like Mary, I have known all along that until Jesus speaks, I will be immobile.
I found this to be so affirming, for I mistook my emotions as a lack of faith. How surprised was I to realize that:
- I am actually banking solely on Jesus to close the deal. The encouraging words I have received from others have been most appreciated, revealing the support from the body of Christ, and yet, I'm waiting for God to speak. Only then will I be satisfied and refreshed.
- Laying down my mike has been necessary. God knew that I would become paralyzed throughout this period. He has taken these last few months to build up a "God and me alone" mentality. Lonely, at times, to be sure, but necessary for my spiritual development, as I frequently err on the side of depending more so on people than Him. I've never doubted saying "no" to singing during this time. I knew I had heard Him tell me to make that choice. This decision was confirmed today.
That Salvation, Hope, Light, and Freedom are offered to all through the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ.
Thank you for this day, Lord.
Photo by ganatronic